Few situations are more upsetting for a parent than hearing their child say they don't want to see their other parent.

Whether it happens suddenly or develops over time, it can leave everyone involved feeling anxious, frustrated and unsure what to do next. You may be worried about your child's wellbeing, concerned about the impact on your co-parenting relationship or unsure of your legal responsibilities. If your child is older, you may feel caught between respecting their wishes and encouraging them to maintain a relationship with their other parent.

The reality is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Every family is different, and the reasons behind a child's reluctance can vary enormously. Understanding what might be driving their feelings is often the first step towards finding a way forward.

Why might a child not want to see their other parent?

Children can become resistant to contact for many different reasons, and not all of them indicate a serious problem.

Sometimes children simply prefer one routine over another. They may find moving between two homes tiring, particularly if they have different rules, expectations or living arrangements in each household. Younger children may experience separation anxiety, while teenagers may resent contact arrangements that interfere with friendships, hobbies or social plans.

Children can also pick up on tension between parents, even when adults think they are shielding them from conflict. If handovers are stressful or communication between parents is strained, children may begin to associate contact with feelings of anxiety.

In some cases, there may be more significant concerns. A child may feel uncomfortable in the other parent's home, struggle with a new partner or stepfamily, or feel that their needs are not being understood. Occasionally, a child's reluctance may stem from concerns about their safety or wellbeing.

Because the reasons can vary so widely, it is important not to jump to conclusions too quickly.

Start by listening

When a child says they don't want to go, it can be tempting to immediately reassure, persuade or problem-solve. However, one of the most helpful things you can do initially is listen.

Try to create opportunities for calm, open conversations where your child feels able to express their feelings without fear of upsetting anyone. Rather than asking leading questions or trying to guess the answer, encourage them to explain what they are feeling in their own words.

Questions such as "Can you tell me more about that?" or "What makes you feel that way?" can be more helpful than asking whether a specific incident has happened.

Children often need time to process their emotions. What begins as "I don't want to go" may eventually reveal worries about missing friends, feeling unsettled between homes or struggling with changes in family dynamics.

Avoid putting your child in the middle

When emotions are running high, it is easy for children to feel caught between their parents.

As difficult as it may be, try to avoid asking your child to carry messages, negotiate arrangements or justify their feelings to the other parent. Children should not feel responsible for managing adult relationships.

It is also important to avoid criticising the other parent in front of your child. Even when there are genuine frustrations, hearing negative comments can increase feelings of guilt, confusion and divided loyalties.

Most children benefit from knowing that they are allowed to love both parents and that they do not have to choose sides.

What if your child is genuinely unhappy?

There is a difference between occasional reluctance and ongoing distress.

Many children complain about contact arrangements from time to time, particularly when they would rather be doing something else. However, if your child consistently becomes anxious, distressed or withdrawn before visits, it is important to take those feelings seriously.

Look for patterns rather than focusing on a single incident. Has something changed recently? Is there a particular aspect of contact they find difficult? Do they seem worried about a specific person or situation?

If concerns persist, it may be helpful to involve other trusted adults such as teachers, school pastoral staff or healthcare professionals who can provide additional support and perspective.

Teenagers and contact arrangements

As children get older, these situations can become even more complicated.

Teenagers naturally seek greater independence and may become less willing to follow arrangements that were established when they were younger. They may want to spend weekends with friends, take part in activities or simply have more control over how they spend their time.

At the same time, maintaining meaningful relationships with both parents often remains important.

Many parents find it helpful to move away from rigid arrangements and towards more collaborative discussions. Giving teenagers some involvement in decisions can help them feel heard while still encouraging ongoing relationships with both parents where appropriate.

When should you speak to the other parent?

If your child's reluctance continues, it is usually important for both parents to understand what is happening.

Where possible, try to approach conversations calmly and focus on your child's needs rather than assigning blame. It can be helpful to share observations and concerns without making assumptions about the cause.

For example, saying "I've noticed Jamie seems anxious before overnight stays and I'd like us to think about why that might be" is likely to be more productive than making accusations or presenting conclusions as facts.

These conversations can be challenging, particularly if communication is already difficult. If direct discussions feel impossible, mediation may provide a more structured way to explore solutions.

Could family mediation help?

Family mediation can be particularly useful when parents disagree about contact arrangements or are struggling to communicate effectively.

A trained mediator can help parents discuss concerns, explore possible solutions and focus on what is in the child's best interests. Mediation does not force parents to agree, but it can create a safer and more constructive environment for difficult conversations.

For many families, mediation helps identify practical adjustments that make contact arrangements work better for everyone involved.

What if there are concerns about safety?

If your child raises concerns about their safety or wellbeing, these should always be taken seriously.

It can be difficult to know whether a concern reflects a misunderstanding, a conflict within the family or something more serious. Listening carefully, staying calm and seeking professional advice where appropriate can help you decide what steps to take.

If you believe your child may be at risk of harm, it is important to seek advice immediately from relevant professionals and services.

Understanding the legal position

Many parents worry about what happens if a child refuses contact.

The legal position depends on a range of factors, including the child's age, the arrangements already in place and the circumstances of the family. As children grow older, their wishes and feelings generally carry greater weight, although decisions are still made with their best interests in mind.

If you are concerned about existing arrangements or are involved in an ongoing dispute, it may be worth seeking legal advice tailored to your situation.

Looking after yourself

These situations can be emotionally exhausting.

You may feel guilty, worried, angry or completely torn between your child's wishes and your desire to support their relationship with the other parent. It is normal to feel conflicted.

Remember that you do not have to manage everything alone. Talking to trusted friends, seeking professional advice or connecting with other single parents who have experienced similar challenges can make a significant difference.

Many parents discover that hearing from others who have navigated similar situations helps them feel less isolated and more confident about the decisions they are making.

Useful resources

If you're dealing with contact difficulties, Frolo is a great place to start. The Frolo community has a wealth of lived experience to share, plus specific Group Chats, like the co-parenting Group Chat, where you can ask for advice on particular topics. The following organisations may also be able to help:

• Family Lives
• Family Mediation Council
• Citizens Advice
• Gingerbread
• Resolution
• Child Law Advice

When a child says they don't want to see their other parent, it can trigger a great deal of worry. However, it is important to remember that children's feelings are often complex and can change over time.

Listening carefully, keeping communication focused on your child's needs and seeking support when necessary can help you navigate the situation more confidently. While there may not be a quick fix, understanding the reasons behind your child's reluctance is often the first step towards finding a solution that supports everyone involved.

Above all, try not to put pressure on yourself to have all the answers immediately. These situations can take time, patience and ongoing conversations, but support is available and you do not have to face them alone.

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