When my marriage ended a decade ago, I didn’t set out to become a coach. I set out to survive.

I was a mum of two little boys under six, trying to rebuild a life from the ashes of what I’d known. I had no money, no nearby family, and no clear plan - just a quiet determination that there had to be more to life than the constant fear in my belly.

That space between the life I’d known and the one I hadn’t yet created - the messy middle - was one of the hardest seasons of my life. It was undefined, uncomfortable, and raw. The silence felt louder than it should, and my reflection in the mirror didn’t look like me anymore.

If you’re reading this and you’re somewhere in that same space, I see you. And while it might not feel like it, this season can become one of the most transformative chapters of your life. Life has served you up a blank canvas, and whilst you might not have asked for one, it does present a powerful opportunity to paint a picture that reflects your wildest dreams. 

This chapter can be your turning point. It can be your space to breathe, to be brutally honest with yourself, and to start painting a new picture for your life - one that reflects the real you.

And that’s what this article is about: helping you see the beauty in the becoming.
The space where you stop surviving and start creating.
The chapter where you begin to rebuild your life, not as it was, but as it was always meant to be.

The Power of the In-Between

Most of us spend our lives trying to pull away from discomfort. We want to get over it, move on, or find our new normal as fast as possible. But this transition season has so much to offer you if you’re willing to bring awareness to the discomfort.

When my own marriage ended, I was overwhelmed, heartbroken, and terrified about facing the future alone. I didn’t know how to sit with the hurt, so I hid from it. I kept myself busy, surrounded by people and noise, hoping it would drown out the struggle. 

It didn’t.

I survived the next few years, but I didn’t thrive. That came later, when I finally allowed myself to sit and feel the discomfort - the anger, the shame, the guilt. It was only when I took off the mask and faced the reality of the life I had created that I could finally give myself permission to learn the lessons and begin to heal.

This kind of radical self-responsibility can be a pretty hard pill to swallow, especially if you’ve been in a space where you’ve been a victim of someone else’s actions. Pointing the finger of blame is so much easier, but I promise it heals nothing. 

The brutal and uncomfortable truth is that to use this chapter for transformation, we must first accept full responsibility for our part in the story. We must get honest about how we acted, and how we allowed ourselves to be treated. That doesn’t mean we deserved anything that happened - not at all - but it does mean we allowed it.

There’s a huge awakening that comes when you get really honest about this, because there is always a lesson to be learnt.

As the years unfolded and I allowed myself to sit in this space more, I realised something powerful. The in-between wasn’t just a bridge from one life to another - it was fertile ground for growth. It was an opportunity like no other. 

During that time I could be completely honest with myself, and completely selfish about how I wanted to rewrite my story (so long as my children were cared for, of course). The messy middle allowed me the freedom to pull back the layers, to get honest about how I was showing up, to learn who I was at my core, and to then reinvent myself and my future.

It became a place where I could finally meet me - the real unfiltered me - and begin creating a future that aligned with her.

How My Own Healing Became My Purpose

When I first walked away from my marriage, I didn’t have a grand plan. I wasn’t chasing reinvention or trying to “find myself”. I just wanted to breathe again. To get through the day without falling apart. To make it to bedtime without feeling like I was failing at everything.

I was a mum with no roadmap for what came next. The only thing I had was a quiet knowing that I couldn’t go back - that the life I’d left wasn’t the one I was meant to live. But here’s what I didn’t realise then: it’s not the end of your marriage that breaks you, it’s losing yourself in the process.

I’d spent years dimming my light. Silencing parts of myself to keep the peace. Swallowing words that needed to be said. By the time I left I wasn’t sure who I was anymore, and that’s the part no one really talks about - the identity loss that happens in separation. You don’t just grieve the relationship; you grieve the version of yourself that disappeared inside it.

It took me years to see that the pain wasn’t punishment, it was a wake-up call. It was life shaking me by the shoulders and whispering, “you’re meant for more”.

So I got curious.
I started reading. Journalling. Studying everything I could about emotion, behaviour, and energy. I didn’t know it at the time, but that curiosity was the beginning of a new chapter, one that would eventually lead me to become a Master Life Coach, an NLP Practitioner, and a woman on a mission to help others rediscover themselves too.

Once I started doing this work, the spark that had almost gone out inside me came back stronger than ever. And that’s what I now help women find - that spark. That moment when they realise that even after the mess, the pain, and the heartbreak, they still have the power to create a life that feels like theirs again.

I know what it feels like to be lost, scared, and exhausted from pretending you’re fine. I know what it feels like to want to rebuild but have no idea where to start. I also know how powerful it feels to finally rise from that place - lighter, clearer, and deeply connected to yourself again.

I don’t just believe that women can heal themselves, I know they can. And I know that when they do, their whole world shifts - for them, for their children, their relationships, and the generations that follow.

Focus Creates Direction

Sitting in the discomfort and absorbing the lessons that are there to be learnt is vital, but so is expanding your focus to where you want to go next.

After separation your focus naturally gravitates to what’s been lost; the marriage, the family structure, the sense of certainty. Your mind replays the arguments, the pain, and the moments you wish you could rewrite.

But what you focus on expands.

When your energy is anchored in what’s gone, you stay tethered to the past. The first step towards transformation is to gently shift your focus forward - not to the whole future (which can feel too big), but to the next step that feels aligned.

When I start this process with my clients we don’t dive into five-year plans or vision boards straight away. We start with something simpler, but far more powerful - how they want to feel.

So start by asking yourself, “What emotions do I want to feel every day?”, and “What would I need to be experiencing more of in my life, in order to feel this?”.

Look past the tangible goals - the house, the job, the security - as these are just vehicles for a feeling. 

You’re not really chasing the house; you’re chasing peace.
You’re not chasing money; you’re chasing freedom.
You’re not chasing someone new; you’re chasing connection.

Focusing on the feelings gives you direction, and then it’s time to get really intentional, because that’s what gives you power.

Intention Shapes Your Energy

In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) we talk a lot about the subconscious mind because it’s the one running the show. It doesn’t respond to logic; it responds to emotion, repetition, and belief. So when you start getting intentional about how you want to feel - not just to survive, but to thrive - you begin rewiring the energetic patterns that have been quietly shaping your life.

This is where the magic happens.
When you intentionally choose how you want to feel each day, and it’s not about creating those feelings from scratch. Those feelings already exist within you - even if only in tiny, fleeting moments.

We are so good at noticing what hurts and expanding that pain, yet we let the moments of joy and peace flutter by almost unnoticed.
A smile from your child.
The warmth of the sun on your skin.
The quiet satisfaction of that first sip of coffee.
The way your favourite song hits the exact spot in your chest that reminds you you’re still alive.

Those moments matter.
They are anchors; proof that joy, calm, safety, and love already live inside you.

The magic happens when you start bringing awareness to them, and then intentionally sitting in those moments longer. Every time you do this you’re teaching your brain what to focus on and expand. It’s where transformation truly begins - not by forcing happiness, but by noticing it.

Rediscovering Who You Are

When we come out of a marriage, it’s normal to question who we are now. Our identity became wrapped up in being a wife, a mum, a caretaker, and when that structure changes, the question “Who am I now?” becomes both painful and necessary.

This is where we begin the work of coming home to ourselves.

In my coaching I guide women to create something called an “I Am” document, which is a living, breathing reflection of who they are beyond their titles. It’s a collection of statements that anchor them back into who they were before the world told them what to be.

It’s a declaration of who you choose to be, not what others say you are.

It might read something like:
“I am strong”
“I am curious”
“I am worthy”
“I am a storyteller”
“I am one with the earth”
“I am two feet in on everything I do”

It can be a short document, or a very long one.

It’s a simple process, but an incredibly powerful one. The ‘I Am’ document can be short, or very long, but its purpose is to reconnect you with the woman you were before you got buried under everyone else’s needs and expectations.

You can start this process for yourself by drawing awareness to what used to bring you joy, what hobbies you loved, what people and places brought you the feelings that you want to feel more of, or what parts of yourself you love.

Make reading this document a daily practice and it will remind you that even in the in-between, you are whole. You’re still her - you’re just finding your way back.

Energy Creates Momentum

Everything is energy; your emotions, your thoughts, your interactions. When that energy is scattered or focused on the past, it keeps you stuck there. But when you learn to raise your vibration, regulate your nervous system, breathe, move, and choose thoughts that serve you, you create momentum.

That’s why I love NLP so much.

It helps access and release what’s buried deep in the subconscious. I’ve watched women release years of emotional pain in a single session and walk away lighter, clearer, and more connected to their own power.

And while these NLP tools are powerful when guided by a certified practitioner, the truth is that transformation can begin for you in the privacy of your own home, simply by bringing your own awareness to your energy.
Because change only happens after awareness.

So if you’re ready to start this release process yourself, here are three practices that can help you begin mastering your emotions and consciously choosing your energy each day:

1. Set Your Intention Each Morning

Before you even get out of bed, ask yourself: “How do I want to feel today?”. It’s not about chasing big goals, but rather getting intentional about your emotional state. Choose to feel calm, confident, or grounded, and your brain will start filtering your world through that lens.

2. Anchor Your Energy

Your brain already knows what certain emotions feel like - it has anchors. A song that makes you feel free. A bracelet that grounds you. A scent that brings peace. So use them intentionally. When life feels heavy, activate one of these anchors to remind your body what safety or joy feels like.

3. Release, Don’t Resist

When emotions rise - anger, sadness, guilt - don’t suppress them. Feel them. Breathe through them. Move them. Write about them. Emotion is simply energy in motion. When you allow it, it flows, and when it flows, it frees you.

The Fertile Ground of the Messy Middle

It’s natural to want the pain to stop. To crave the stability that will make everything feel normal again. But what if this “in-between” isn’t a punishment, what if it’s an invitation?

An invitation to rebuild your life consciously.
To rediscover your own values instead of living by someone else’s.
To define success on your own terms.

When you approach this season with awareness, focus, and intention, it becomes the most transformative period of your life. One day you’ll look back at the woman you are right now - the one who’s exhausted, uncertain, and still showing up - and you’ll thank her. You’ll thank her for being brave enough to fall apart, so you could rise again stronger, softer, and free.

You’ll realise the messy middle was never the end of your story, it was the beginning.

So while it may feel like you’re standing in the rubble right now, you’re actually standing on the richest soil there is. The soil where self-trust grows, where alignment takes root, and where peace begins to bloom.

Take a deep breath.
You’re not broken.
You’re becoming.

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About the Author

Tess Milton is an NLP & Master Life Coach, and the founder of Unearth Her. Her passion and purpose centres around helping separated mothers rediscover who they are and what they want, whilst releasing the heaviness that’s keeping them stuck.

Having rebuilt her own life after divorce as a single mother of two, Tess now lives on the sunny Gold Coast in Australia with her new husband and their blended family of five boys. Through her lived experience and deep professional training in NLP and emotional mastery, she guides women through the same transformational journey she once took herself; from heartbreak to healing, from survival to self-trust.

Her signature 5-week coaching experience, Fall. Rise. Become., has helped countless women move beyond the pain of separation, find peace in their present, and create a future that finally feels like theirs again.

Tess is passionate about showing women that the messy middle isn’t the end of their story, but the most powerful part of it. Through her programs, writing, and online community, she helps mothers learn how to master their energy, heal quickly, and design a future that feels aligned, free, and deeply fulfilling.

Find more at www.unearthher.com.au or follow Tess on social media at @tessmiltoncoach for daily insights, tools, and inspiration.