There’s a lot of advice about successful co-parenting that starts with the same assumption: that there are two adults willing and able to communicate. Keep each other updated, we’re told. Talk through disagreements. Agree boundaries. Be flexible. Put the children first. All excellent advice – until you send a perfectly reasonable message about next weekend and are still staring at two grey ticks three days later.

Trying to co-parent with someone who avoids conversations, ignores messages, gives deliberately vague answers or only communicates when it suits them can be exhausting. It leaves you carrying not only your share of the parenting, but the mental load of trying to anticipate what another adult might or might not do. Do you make plans when they haven’t confirmed? How many times should you chase? What do you tell your child when you don’t know whether their other parent is turning up?

The frustrating answer is that you can’t make another person communicate. What you can do is build a way of parenting that relies less on their willingness to engage, protects your own energy and, most importantly, gives your child as much consistency as possible.

Stop trying to achieve perfect co-parenting

It can help first to rethink what successful co-parenting needs to look like. The idealised version – friendly chats at handovers, shared decisions, spontaneous flexibility and both parents cheerfully attending sports day – simply isn’t realistic for every separated family.

Cafcass describes co-parenting as “co-operative parenting”, but its guidance also acknowledges that communication after separation can take deliberate effort and that parents may have very different approaches in their respective homes. Children can generally cope with different rules in different houses, Cafcass says, provided those differences aren’t harmful. What matters more is reducing conflict, sharing important information and keeping children out of adult disagreements. (Cafcass)

For some families, therefore, the goal might not be close collaboration at all. It might simply be a calm, functional system in which essential information gets exchanged and the children know roughly what is happening.

One Frolo parent described the shift as surprisingly liberating: “I spent years thinking that if I could just explain things in the right way, we would suddenly start communicating properly. Eventually I realised I was putting huge amounts of energy into trying to change someone else. Now I concentrate on being clear from my side and leave it there.”

That distinction matters. You are responsible for communicating clearly. You are not responsible for making somebody respond.

Make your communication boring

When communication is difficult, less can often be more. Rather than sending long messages explaining the history of a problem, stick to the information the other parent actually needs and, where possible, include a clear question or deadline.

Instead of: “I’ve asked you three times what you’re doing next weekend and I really need to know because I can’t keep rearranging everything at the last minute,” try: “Can you confirm by 6pm Wednesday whether you are collecting Sam at 5pm on Friday?”

Think of your messages as practical rather than relational. Dates, times, school information, appointments, medication, arrangements. Keep separate issues separate rather than trying to resolve five grievances in one WhatsApp exchange. Cafcass specifically recommends keeping communication about children separate from issues such as money or property, because unresolved disputes in one area can quickly spill over into parenting conversations. (Cafcass)

“I started writing messages as though somebody neutral might read them one day,” says one parent. “Not because I was trying to build a case against my ex, but because it stopped me reacting. I’d write, ‘Parents’ evening is Thursday at 5.30pm. Please let me know if you’re attending,’ rather than, ‘I assume you’ve forgotten parents’ evening again.’ It made me feel much more in control.”

A useful rule is: brief, factual, child-focused and actionable. Before pressing send, ask yourself: what does the other parent actually need to know or answer?

Create systems that don’t require constant conversation

If every school trip, dentist appointment or weekend swap requires a fresh negotiation, difficult communication can become a full-time job. Systems remove some of that friction.

A shared calendar can be useful if both parents will engage with it, as can a dedicated co-parenting app. Some families use platforms such as OurFamilyWizard, which keeps schedules, messages and other parenting information in one place and includes tools designed to encourage neutral communication.

You can also create a written parenting plan covering the things that repeatedly cause confusion: regular contact arrangements, school holidays, birthdays, collection times, how much notice is expected for changes and how information about school or health will be shared. Cafcass offers a free online tool called Our Child’s Plan, designed to help separated parents set out practical agreements around areas including living arrangements, education, healthcare, childcare responsibilities and communication.

Even if your co-parent isn’t interested in elaborate systems, predictability itself can reduce the need for communication. Cafcass notes that children generally benefit from regular, predictable routines and may worry when they don’t know when they will next see a parent.

As one parent puts it: “The biggest improvement for us came when we stopped negotiating every weekend. Once we had a default arrangement, there was much less to argue about. Changes still happen, but the basic plan doesn’t depend on us having a conversation every Thursday night.”

Don’t make your child the messenger

When an adult refuses to reply, it can be very tempting to find another route. “Can you ask Dad what time he’s picking you up?” can feel harmless, particularly with older children who have their own phones.

Try to resist it.

Cafcass is clear that children shouldn’t be asked to communicate with one parent on behalf of the other. Even apparently practical messages can put children in an uncomfortable position, especially if communication between their parents is already tense.

That also means avoiding interrogations after contact. You can be interested in your child’s life without turning them into an intelligence-gathering service. “Did you have a nice weekend?” feels very different from a stream of questions designed to establish who was there, what time they went to bed and what their other parent said about you.

If your co-parent doesn’t share much information, there may be things you simply don’t know. Unless there is a genuine welfare or safeguarding concern, tolerating some of that uncertainty can be healthier than asking your child to fill in the gaps.

Decide what actually requires a response

One of the most draining parts of poor communication is the waiting. You send a message, check your phone, wonder whether to send another, start imagining what the silence means and gradually become furious about a conversation that technically hasn’t happened.

It can help to divide communication into two categories: information and decisions.

Some messages are simply information: “The school has moved sports day to 20 June.” You have passed on something relevant; no reply is necessary. Other messages require a decision: “Can you collect her after sports day on 20 June?” In those cases, make the decision and timeframe explicit.

Where appropriate, you can also explain what you will do if you don’t hear back: “Please let me know by Friday whether you can take him to the appointment. If I haven’t heard by then, I’ll assume you can’t and make other arrangements.”

This isn’t about issuing ultimatums. It’s about removing yourself from indefinite limbo.

“I stopped treating silence as a puzzle I had to solve,” says one mum. “If I need an answer, I give a reasonable deadline. If I don’t get one, I make the best decision I can with the information I have. It has saved me hours of staring at my phone.”

What if communication becomes hostile?

Not communicating is difficult; communicating only through insults, threats, accusations or relentless messages is something else entirely.

If exchanges regularly escalate, written communication can sometimes make things more manageable because you can respond when you are calm rather than being drawn immediately into an argument. You don’t have to answer every accusation contained in a message simply because it has been sent to you. Deal with the practical point concerning your child and leave the rest.

Cafcass suggests that where conversations break down, parents can agree to stop and continue at another time, and recommends mediation where parents are struggling to resolve important disagreements. Family mediation can provide a structured setting for working through arrangements when direct conversations have become unproductive.

There is an important caveat, though. Difficult communication and abusive or controlling behaviour are not the same thing. If communication is being used to frighten, threaten, harass or control you, generic advice about “better co-parenting” may not be appropriate. Seek specialist advice about your circumstances and prioritise safety over maintaining an idealised cooperative relationship.

Try parallel parenting when co-parenting isn’t working

For particularly high-conflict relationships, a more realistic approach can sometimes look closer to parallel parenting: reducing direct interaction and allowing each parent to manage everyday parenting during their own time, while communicating only about genuinely important issues.

That might mean accepting that bedtime is 8pm in one house and 9pm in another, that one parent is stricter about screen time or that the children eat differently depending on where they are. Unless something presents a genuine risk, trying to control the other household can create enormous amounts of conflict without necessarily improving your child’s life.

The question becomes less “How can we make exactly the same parenting decisions?” and more “What information do we genuinely need to share so our child is safe, secure and cared for?”

That can feel like lowering your expectations, but sometimes lowering expectations is exactly what makes a situation manageable.

Protect your own headspace

Perhaps the hardest lesson in difficult co-parenting is learning that somebody else’s behaviour doesn’t always require a response from you.

You can’t force another parent to answer messages promptly, remember non-uniform day or take the approach you would take. You can only decide what happens on your side of the relationship.

One parent described creating a simple rule for herself: “Unless it was urgent, I stopped replying immediately. I’d read the message, put my phone down and come back later. Half the things I wanted to say in the first five minutes didn’t need saying at all.”

That small pause can be powerful. Co-parenting doesn’t need to become the emotional weather system governing your entire day.

And if you’re struggling, talk to people who understand the peculiar frustration of parenting alongside somebody you are no longer actually with. Friends and family can be supportive, but other single parents often understand the practical reality in a different way – the unanswered messages, awkward handovers, changing weekends and the sheer amount of mental admin involved.

You can download the Frolo app and join our co-parenting group chat to talk to other single parents navigating the same challenges, swap practical tips and get support from people who understand what difficult co-parenting actually feels like.

Because sometimes successful co-parenting isn’t two people communicating beautifully. Sometimes it is one parent putting good boundaries and reliable systems in place, letting go of the conversations they cannot force, and creating as much stability as possible for their child.

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